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getting sick.

This sucks, Tina asked me yesterday if I was getting sick and I said no. This morning though, my throat is hurting and my eyes feel like they are popping out of my skull. I hate getting sick. To make it worse I'm supposed to spend the weekend with Nicole for her birthday. I hope I don't get worse. 


I slept way too long today and feel all sorts of funky. Its almost like I'm not really here. I went to bed relatively early and woke up at 9 something. I applied for a tech position at Nintendo, I'm hoping this time around I will actually pass their cursed test. I don't understand why they have to make it so difficult. I have talked to techs that work there and they say that they don't really do all that much technical work. Its mostly making sure that fixtures work properly and junk like that. Its almost like they want a PHD to pick up garbage. There is also the meditation issue...but I won't get into that. Other than that, it's just another day.  I miss having a job.


Unemployment is my bane. I lose all semblance of structure and can't enjoy anything. Its funny, when I am employed all I can think about is how awesome it would be if I had tons of time to play my video games and generally space out. When I have that time though, I am too miserable to actually enjoy those activities. The amount of money I will be receiving from unemployment is actually less than the amount I was receiving from Arizona. This does not bode well. I just don't see how I will be able to pay for rent and stay on top of the bills with that amount. I am very stressed out. To top it all off, I haven't been able to sleep very well. I hope I can find something soon. This is not helping my self esteem. Sometimes I long for the comfort of being back in Arizona. I quickly realize that my situation would be no better over there, actually it would be worse.
 I'm having a completely selfish moment. I don't want to share my darling love with anybody. I want her all to myself. Yet, I want her to be happy and I know that this is something that she cannot live with. Part of me feels pathetic that I am lowering myself and accepting this instead of standing firm in what I want. Another part of me wants to be with her so much that I'm willing to make this sacrifice. It's very hard. It's made harder by the fact that I have nobody to talk to about this that understands what I am going through. I want nothing more than for both me and Tina to be happy, but right now it seems it can only be happiness for one or the other. I am very nervous about the whole poly thing and it's made worse by the fact that she is in Washington and I am stuck here in Arizona by myself. I'm very confused and I don't know what to think or do. I find myself constantly obsessing over the issue, mainly because I don't know what to do about it or what I can do to fix it. If anybody has any kind words to say in this matter that might help me I would greatly appreciate it.



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May 2010


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